This past year, 2021, has blessed me. It has given vision and perception I didn’t have the year before it. Even in the moments it had scared me to the core with my own health scares, I rejoice in the blessing and the lesson it delivered. Although admittedly since moving down south to what often feels like an entirely different country, I have to say I have never grown as much as I have in the past two years. Removing myself from roots that only made me cling to what I knew, forced me to grow into something else. After scrolling through social media, I may be one of the only people that have paid credit to the years 2020 and 2021. They have truly laid ground work that I had never ventured on. They have also been the most confusing years of my life. I am not sure who I am here on this new ground or what I want to be, yet I am the most healthy (mentally) I have ever been. I have literally shed careers, characteristics, people, that no longer serve this version. I feel the most free of what was holding me back, then I have in decades. Even when I had months of worrying about my own fate, I sat in gratitude for the chances I had been giving. I even at one point told God in prayer, “if you decide to take me, I will going willing with a grateful heart.” Starting new, with huge changes, has rewarded me in the deepest most rewarding ways. I have owned all of my past unhealthy habits and dissected them. I have been rewarded with optimism and resilience, that the best is yet to come. However, there is still some major work to be done.
Looking forward, I came to the realization that often I retreat in order to please others. For many reasons, I am having a hard time serving that to the world authentically when I am willingly abandoning myself. Finding my voice is still the hardest journey I have ever been on. Which is funny, I surround myself with brazen woman that often forget to filter before speaking their mind, never mind speaking it whole heartedly. I get caught up on the worry of what others feel over my own value. As we sit in such an angry, divided, cancel culture, world right now, suddenly owning my voice seems almost scarier then the idea of immediate brain surgery did. However, I must. Internally I have done the hard inner works. I have pulled all the roots poisoning me from my past, but not owning my voice, is making me ill.
Another lesson I plan to work on in 2022, is looking at the truth. I often like to perceive in my head an unrealistic world that feels so good and real. When often in reality it isn’t even close to my pretend one. I give to many chances to people that I should’ve let go at the third time they let me down, not wait until the hundredth. I can’t dilute others ugly in order for me to pretty it up in my head to hold them high. Sometimes, just like a job, a place, a perfume; you no longer fit like you used to and it shouldn’t be watered down and fluffed up. When the fragrance is foul, It just needs to be let go of.
Regardless, if today was my last day on earth, I would die with zero regrets and a heart of gratitude. Even if I kept my mouth quiet more then I should have, or wore rose colored glasses when looking at people in my life that perhaps never looked good in rose. On this last night of 2021 I regret not a thing. On this last night of 2021 I honor with love all the lessons God gave me to grow; even the ones that felt impossible. I resolve nothing. I honor and grow into everything.
seekingup
Seeking Up 
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