He stood there perched, a red speck in a a sea of green trees. His vibrant red feathers surrounding his full bellied self. From where I stood he was a speck, but my gut knew who he was and what he stood for.
I got in my car and drove to him. All the while he waited from my arrival. When I got there, I admired his beauty. I thanked God for bringing him to me. I turned to face the sun, and like everything in life, he was gone. 
The cardinal is my personal God created sign of rebirth. It’s almost a confirmation that the path I’m about to take, that God is on my side. The day I saw this magnificent one from far away, there was no difference. He was to deliver me a message that I am not alone nor will I ever be. A red speck in a sea of green, that I can relate.
I meant to write for a week now. I needed the words that would justify the awakening that has transpired in a weeks time. The words never came because their aren’t any full enough.
The experience I had last weekend reminds of when people ask me to describe what heaven is like- it is beyond human words – it is spirit felt. Divity that dances in your blood stream, and widens your heart to expansions beyond the limits of your being. This is what awakening and heaven have in common. No words- just surging knowingness that connects you to all that you are.
I signed up to listen to a writer that I have held onto her words like a last breath (who also happened to inspire my Be Still tattoo). I might have also hashtaged that I wanted to spoon her for a few years too! I never dreamed of sharing space with her, I just demanded to the universe that it was NOT an option. I needed to. A life reminder of stop dreaming and start doing.
I went knowing a weekend woman’s retreat about living your truest self was exactly what I needed. What I did not anticipate is leaving loving her more, adoring her wife more than I ever could have ever imagined, or feeling deeply connected to 299 other amazing female souls. 
We did the hard work. Asked the hard questions. I even, in the most fragile vulnerable place, stood sharing something I never ever said aloud. This led to woman at the end of that night coming over to me to assure me, say I’m brave, and say things like “me too”. For as much as I love the famous couple who led this beautiful workshop, this particular moment was my favorite. Strangers showing up for me in order to love and honor me. I received them. For once I allowed myself to be the taker instead of the giver, and it was beautiful.
Fast forward to tonight, I just got home from the second wake of this month of someone I am used to having as part of life. I’m reminded again of the fragility of time. I am reminded of the connections we make, and the importance of making sure we are making the memories not the dreams.
Dreams are always for another day not promised to us. Memories are made in the now.
I’m known to apologize how I feel in order to make it easier for someone else. I’m known to choose everyone else before me. I’m known to hush my knowing to make sure it doesn’t disrupt anyone’s life. Suddenly it has become clear to me that it has only cost me – ME!
Starting this week I have done less apologizing, taking care of myself, accepting the knowing, and realizing I am worth saving.
Enough with the dreams of someday, they are today’s memories. 
How can I fail? I have God on my side. The red speck in the green sea says so.
I am a love warrior. A soft loving warrior. I got this- in all space and time. I was made to be fully whole and present.
And I am not apologizing.
Lets make memories. I dare you to move past the dream.
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In a world where we are forced to be a thousand different things – be your soul first.
seekingup
Seeking Up 
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