I am two weeks away from finding out if we will be blessed with another boy or girl this Summer. It might not seem like a drastic life change since we will be third time parents, and we already have one of each sex, but it still will shift our family. If there is anything I have learned from the first two, each new life brings their own light to this earth and makes for immediate change of those around them. I look forward to holding that new life, but right now I am in the throes of making room for it, and making internal and external adjustments.
A few months ago making such adjustments seemed a bit easier. I had less hormones running rapid in my body, and I made the conscious daily choice to welcome God in a quiet space to guide me. I was more direct. I had more vision. I did everything well intended, and was cool as a cucumber. Even on days that seemed exhausting, I ended the day with a well intended smile and knowing I made my family feel loved that day. I lost my endearing ability to roll my eyes, or fly off the handle when I got annoyed. I was all around in a perfect space, and I need to get back there ASAP.
While I work at finding that inner peace and making time in my day for quiet reflection, I am also working on change. People are afraid of change. We life what we know. The predictable life is an easy one to live. Lately, I have been asking myself, is it a way to live though? Truly living your intended life needs to include taking chances, and making room to grow. When you sit in a lull of the predictable you almost take the chance of dimming the light that would’ve lit the world up if you tweaked a few things, made that move, said those words, went for the interview.
So I am seeking balance between the two. Predictable when it comes to things I have invested my heart into, like my family. Change when it comes to things I have always wanted to try or do. And making these things meet.
Internally I am learning I have a voice other than the one that thinks in my head. A voice that doesn’t always have to be sweet and kind. A voice that shouldn’t always worry if someone will like what I have to say. In life there are times we have to advocate or stand for something, and more often than not, I shy away from such confrontation. A new day has come. I am learning my own voice. Sometimes in silence it can be determined by others as weakness. I am not weak. And so I take myself out of my comfort zone, and speak. Saying “no” feels oddly wonderful.
Externally I keep thinking about what I want to do, and where I want to go. My husband and I have always dreamed of retiring in the warm and by the beach. Just recently we realized why wait? Sure we will have to work and all, but maybe the ability to get more sunshine, and smell the ocean, is just what our souls need to shine brighter. It is on the table. We are milling through it. There is something to be said when you grow up in the same area for years and years and look around and can’t imagine why you have stayed. Sure I love people here, but is the connection to others the only reason to stay in a space you are less than thrilled about?
There is a lot swirling around our heads. I am learning quite quickly that we are no longer 20 yrs old, that we need to be adults about things we often try to duck, and that I need to work on being more centered, hormones and all. And so I am back to my old saving grace: when in doubt, pray on it. The beauty of prayer is it must often will not deliver the direct message you are hoping to get, but the answer is always there for you to find. He never steers me wrong.
God is the beauty of the predictable. He also is the guiding hand of change. I trust Him to show me what to do next.
seekingup
Seeking Up 