Archive for December, 2011

Days after my big debut on national tv I wondered what would come next. Would it be an outpour of people calling me a fake? Would people get the true meaning of why I even shared my story after so many years? Would the world be ready to receive it? And me?

Lucky for me the out pour of love was overwhelming. The day I got an e-mail from a women seeking answers through grief, I knew my prayer was answered. She (among others), encompassed all of what I signed up for that show to do. I just wanted to soothe people who ache with what happens after death. I wanted to help others in whatever way I could spiritually, in what ever form they needed me to be.

I sat in silence. The park was a beautiful fall day, and I asked God to guide me where he wanted me to go next. It was the day before getting my tonsils removed. My ego thought since I escaped my body once before, maybe I would be allowed to go visit the next day while put under. I was actually sad when it hadn’t happened. I didn’t want to die from surgery per say, I just wanted to feel the light cascade over me. I woke up from anesthesia a little pissed off. I remembered nothing. I realized this is something you can not will to happen but is blessed upon certain individuals at certain points of their lives. Like all things in life, it is God’s will, never your own.

I believe this happening to me as a kid, was a way for others to really believe it. Kids can not make up stuff that they aren’t familiar with. Not having God teachings, or the vocabulary to grasp such clear experiences make my story valid. I believe this was blessed upon me for many reasons, but mainly to help others. After all, isn’t that what matters most in life?

Recently I had a goal setting map created in my head for the next year or two. I had defined plans, with goal markers I wanted to adhere to. I planned to reshape, and redirect my passion and my place in this world. I prayed more then I ever had. I keep asking for clarity. And then just when I thought I had it all carved out, I realized I do not hold the steering wheel to my own life.

Yes we all have free will. However, somethings are completely out of our hands and in God’s. God reminded me who is boss. He re-reminded me of my faith, and His will. I continued to be blessed by His blessing.

So I write to you, my Seeking Up friends, wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. Hoping, and praying, He continues to shine His light on you, and blesses you in the all the ways that will help you complete His will. Do not feel sorry for yourself that something you sought after did not work out, what matters is what He wants will happen. Trust in it.

As 2012 approaches and will fill the air with wishes of various resolutions, may you consider making more time to seek up, and less time trying to steer the wheel.

Trust in Him. Love one another. Be the person you always imagined yourself being.

God Bless each and every one of you. This entire experience has brought nothing but joy into my life, and I am so grateful you have joined me here.


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Never Alone

Back in my college days, I remember I purposely decided to go seeing the showing of the movie “City Of Angels” by myself. I also purposely went during the day while others were working. I knew the movie would move me to tears, and the less people around the better. Of course it was littered with a Hollywood love story, but much of it spoke to my heart. My heart that held onto a secret I had kept for years. A secret I would never tell another living soul until many many years later.

I sobbed at City Of Angels. Not because of Nick Cage’s or Meg Rylan’s stellar performance, but because it made me feel not alone. If that story were true and not written by a Hollywood writer, can you imagine what people would have thought? Meg would walk around the city telling people she was in love with a ghost? She wouldn’t and instead lead a life alone in it, and her ability.

When you are walking a life down a path that includes experience from the “other side” people get uncomfortable and often time critical. The general public will try to label you as “New Age”, and some will wonder when you’ll get out your crystal ball. I got this feeling very early on in life. That my story would not be excepted by all. My soul could not take being called a liar, or being pushed into conformed labels that did not define me. So I sat still in it. Just me and God. Using outlets like the silver screen to find bits of comfort.

I often found places I felt holy in nature to comfort me. I grew up my entire life feeling odd, and out-of-place. I felt more connected “there” than “here”. And had to make it a life habit to find places here to be alone in it.

I stood by myself at the foot of the Duomo in Milan weeping quietly. It stood lit by candle light only, rich with history, a long connection to God, and a place that understood me. I got it, and it got me.

I sat by the Bethesda fountain in Central Park more days than I could count. I meditated, prayed, I focused on the massive angel that stood before me, as thousands of New Yorker’s swarmed by hurrying to get somewhere. One day I took a little girl I was babysitting to see the fountain. Beneath the terrace it was clear someone else found the place to be just as spiritual. In the hustle and bustle of such a large city, she and I watched this man (named Thoth (who was part of an Academy Award winning documentary) ┬ásing and dance –which he refers to as a pray-formance:

I wept. I got him, and when he saw me weeping, he got me.
Bethesda terrace is a well-known staple to NYC. It often catches the eye of many movie makers, photographers, and people seeking nature in the heart of the city. For me that place was church. It still remains deeply sentimental me, and a place I will always return to with an uplifting heart.

Now that my story has been told, I no longer have to weep in secret, however, I still seek out moments alone. Moments I can turn to nature or places rich in history and feel completely understood. Finding places that remind of the place I once was after-death fills my heart more than anything else on this earth.

Sometimes it isn’t only seeking up that matters, but seeking out. People often say they don’t like to be left alone, or feel uncomfortable being alone. I believe being alone can gift you the biggest clarity’s, and make you stop in the motions of life to concentrate on just being who you naturally are. I treasure those moments I carve out for myself. I devour them like spiritual candy. It reminds me…. I am never alone. Not here, not there, not ever.

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Moving Music

Music moves the spirit. The first time I heard this song, I new it would be one of my “life theme” songs. It fits perfectly into the notion we are all connected, and that all faiths should be treated equally. I adore it. I hope you will to.

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A Place Of Peace

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For as confident as I am about death and what happens to us, there are still situations that never make sense or feels right to me. I am a true believer of seeing God in everything, and that there is a lesson to be learned by all. However, when I hear about a story that entails a newborn dying suddenly I sort of stop in my tracks, get sick to my stomach, and ache for those parents. The why never gets any easier in dire situations. It is Christmas, and for what should have been a joyous time celebrating around a new baby, is not rattled by heartache and loss. I grieve for them, because even though I never met them, we are all connected.

We are all connected. A simple statement so many of us forget.

I knew when I spoke up and told my story that I would get some backlash. I prepared for the non-believers, and the skeptics. The thing about God talk is it is always a source of fire (like politics) when being spoken of. I get it. I knew it. I still went for it. I am not sorry for doing it or putting it out there. Thankfully it has done exactly what I had imagined it doing–helping other people. Why? because we are all connected.

I opened up an e-mail account, and a Facebook page as a way of connecting to people who either saw the show or stumbled upon this blog, and needed more. I am blessed with the amount of wonderful private e-mails I have received, and have made a hearty attempt to answer them all. After all, I am no different from any of you. I just had a unique experience I was meant to share and a deep love for an all loving God.

The thing about this entire thing–the show, the blog, the e-mails, the person I am…. is I will never pretend to be something I am not. You will not find me claiming to be gifted with miraculous abilities that some near-death experiencers have. I also refuse to disconnect myself from others, as I truly believe our soul existence rests on how and what we are to other people. This includes how we react, or relate to people we don’t even know. We are all human, and have flaws, but it what we do when we catch ourselves doing something unkind, that the lesson is to be learned.

Recently I received an e-mail stating I was vague, and clearly didn’t know God. It is ok that someone had that opinion, as everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs. My heart hurts though when people stand in judgement of one another based upon religion. I am not sure how one can be considered doing Godly work while holding judgements of others faith. This being the reason I may seem vague. I truly believe all religions, all beliefs lead to the same God. We do not need to stand in judgement or use God’s name to feed our own ego saying “my way is the only way”. I have no way– I am no different, all beliefs and faiths are welcome here. If that is vague so be it.

It pains me to see faith sometimes bringing people apart instead of together. I sought out my own struggle with this, when I recently decided to rejoin a group I once bowed out of because of my own hasty judgement of their faith. I am rejoining, with my soul purpose of being open, and loving. We can all except each others differences while loving God faithfully.

Being mindful that we are all connected helps us be at our best. We must concentrate on the more that we have in common and less of what makes us different.

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While looking through some archives on my original blog that is more about my life and less spiritual focused (and before Seeking Up was invented), I found THIS POST which was written last Winter. It was prior to talking to the BIO producers–in fact I hadn’t even dreamt of the fact I could actually be part of such an awesome show! I read this post, along with other spiritual related posts on that blog, and noticed I continually used the work SEEK in them. Funny–I never quite got the reason why I choose the name of this blog Seeking Up –other than a Dave Matthews song I love (Seek Up), and now I Do! It was meant to be! All of it. When you put things out into the world the universe hears you!

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