What Am I Made Of?

It is true that when you become an adult you cannot blame your flaws or failures on your past. It is up to you to dig deep, do better, be better, and over come obstacles that once might have hindered your life do to age and/or surroundings. However, we can use the experiences and knowledge we gained before adulthood as a way to better understand how we are hard-wired. What makes us tick, and the person we are at our greatest altruistic self is based on two things: God (the way we were made/our purpose here), and the foundation layed down before us. Neither of which we can use the blame game on, but we can use it to empower us.

I knew in my early adulthood that therapy was something I needed to do in order to become an adequate therapist. I learned a great deal over the years on how the puzzle pieces interconnected, and why my actions weren’t always met with the best of intentions (especially for me). As a therapist myself I heard a lot of “I wish I could’s..” and “Someday I would’s…”, a lot of talking that often failed action. Let’s face it some people enjoy listening to their own woes and drama– and although they say they want changes, don’t. I also realized on this journey that becoming a therapist was like second nature to me. People run to me with their problems, that I often welcome with open arms, but always wondered–where do I go with mine?

So this brings me a subject I recently wrote about: how do you better you self? How do you create the person you always dreamt you would be?

The first step I believe is looking at the person that you once were. Sometimes you can find this answer easily, and other times it can take you 30 some odd years for someone to show it to you through their actions.

Over the past year I have personally learned a great deal about my role as a kid. I was that child always older than I should be. The one wanting to be noticed and tried so hard that I became an overachiever and a perfectionist. I also identified myself as being “to sensitive”– which later on got redefined for me as a people pleaser, a “yes”er’, conflict avoider, and best of all a scapegoat. All of which I just recently realized thanks to different encounters this year, are all things I loathe.

A part of being the most altruistic me I hope to be includes putting myself first. Which I rarely do unless it involves the safety of my marriage where I can voice something and my loving husband always is open to it. I envision that those that know how to say no, that don’t swallow the jagged pill every.single.time, and know how to not take on the blame for everyone’s problems, lives a life that is not only self-fulfilling, but much more loving toward others. Love thy self is always the first rule of thumb isn’t it? (after God of course)

So I am practicing. It has been a rocky start. I am trying to learn to balance life out and make it so the only “safe” place to be “me” isn’t just with my husband but in a world I know how to function when I let people down. A place I can say “No I am not comfortable with that”. A place I can say –even if only to myself–“It is their problem not mine”. A less “sensitive me” that is more structured emotionally while being still loving and giving.

This doesn’t come without road blocks. The people you attract when it comes to having such rooted traits aren’t always the best receivers to a new you. I am learning this is ok too. God put us on this earth to change, and renew. To learn, evolve, and be better in his name results only in new relationships and dynamics. It includes that realization that thinking of you and your own soul doesn’t mean you are sacrificing being a good person to others, as long as your intentions are well thought out in the direction of living your true purpose. “Yes” people don’t make it to the finish line sooner, nor do the selfish get bathed in gold.

The fact of the matter is, no matter what you tackle to take on, or the part of you that you seek to change, there will always be a nay sayers. There will always be something wagging their finger, saying you aren’t doing it right. You can not possibly please the world. And my dear friends, God not only doesn’t expect you to, He doesn’t want you to. Some of our greatest lessons are rooted not only when we are let down, but when we let others down for the betterment of who we are meant to be.

Forgive the foundation that may have made you broken, jaded, or unfulfilled. Dig deeper. Want more. And create the person that God gifted your life with. On the heels of my friend closing her chapter of this life, and the start of new life I am about to bring into this world, I urge you of this. You never know what you are made up of unless you try. And you never know who is watching. I know my kids foundation will also have some nicks in it. I know I can not control or make their lives perfect. What I can do is show them how I over came mine, and set a grand example of balancing a give and take.

May you perfect yourself by putting yourself out there, being scared, and doing things that are unnatural to you but you always wished they were. May you make your “I should have…” and “I would have…” ‘s end with “I DID”. Failure to living your purpose and your true self is not an option, no matter who you are, or where you came from.

 

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Kate Goes Home

Sometimes some of the brightest spirits sort of take your breath away when in the presence of them. I remember about a decade or so ago sitting at my old high school watching a basketball game and noticing one like that. The type of person that spirit just oozes out of their every smile. I remember thinking I wish I would have done better, been better, and that I had wished I could have told her so.

Early on in high school, I wasn’t always the kindest most genuine person that God intended me to be. I longed to fit in like every other teen. The difference between me and the rest of the world was post near death-experience, no matter what age I never felt like I quite fit in anywhere but there. I tried to mold myself into what others wanted me to be. At the heels of someone I thought was my friend at the time, I was not kind to this other human being. This light soul that literally could make your heart stop if you looked deep enough. As an adult I always remembered my unkindness. Most people would chalk up such moments as “kids being kids”, I took it as a personal debt to what I stood for as a being of God. I expected better of myself no matter what age I was.

Lucky for me years later I got my moment. It didn’t happen until this past year. My show was about to air on Biography, and I read via social media, that this bright soul was in the midst of battling her life against cancer. I reached out to her thinking my story might comfort her, and maybe she could forgive my careless malice, and have mercy on me. Maybe, just maybe, I could comfort her on her path to God’s light.

She was so open to reconnecting. I was surprised she even remembered who I was (then again when someone is unkind to you, how could you forget). I called her while she was at an experimental treatment center desperately seeking clarity from the cancer that had over grown inside her young body. A mother, a wife… I kept thinking how does this happen to someone so bright, so young, so meant for life. I told her my story all wrapped up in my ego. And then I learned just what God intended for me through her. Why I remembered her light shining so bright at a basketball a decade ago, and why I never forgot my faults in her life thus far. She revealed herself to me. God literally shined right through her. She taught me more about life, faith, meaning, purpose, and God’s love in a single conversation, then I have learned in a life time. She taught me more than my very own near-death experience had delivered to me. Best of all she forgave me for my faults–and although she brushed it off as kids being kids–I knew she received, accepted, and forgave me, exactly how God would have intended.

I saw her soon after that. I met up with her to give her Malas (Buddhist prayer beads) that I had found in a store in Florida that had imported things from Bali. I wanted her to know in all ways– every single way– I could pray she would be in them. For months I meditated/prayed for her basking in the light of God. I sent positive vibes, and kept feeling more like our souls had reconnected more than our physical nature. She got me in a way no other human on this earth had. In her eyes I fit in.

I always dreamed of her beating it. I always dreamt she could grow old with her husband and kid and play the “remember when” game while continuing to teach the great lessons of life. However, in my soul I knew–as I knew the day I got hit by a car–she was only half in. Half of her was already out– and that is why she got me.

My relationship with death is such a heavy one. I know where people go. I know the peace, love, and freedom that my dear friend that sat in such pain is right now. Yet I so want her here. I want to tell her in person the impact she has made. I want to tell her thank you for having mercy on me, and for getting me.

A little over a week ago I had that “feeling”. My husband swears my psychic abilities often peek around death. This is true. I sort of feel in my bones. Her name entered my mind as I said a prayer to God, and I immediately had a feeling I should meditate/pray for her, and bask her in God’s light, love, and glory. I didn’t want to admit it to my human self– but my spirit knew she was going. I should have reached out to tell this–but I choose to send it to her spirit to spirit. I hope she received it.

Today the loss is deep and raw. I will never forget her and the lessons she taught me. And when I stop to think why such a bright light was taking to the other side–I know why. She didn’t only impact me. She impacted many. Way to many to count. And although she was to young, and things don’t add up quite right here on earth–she completed her life exactly the way God intended.

Kate you will always be part of my journey. My story and walk in faith will never not include you. I will always carry the lessons your life taught me, the brightness of your light in your smile, the grace you had while fighting the hardest fight of your life, the mercy you bestowed upon me and others, and above all… the acceptance I felt with you at the end of your life, and the peace knowing someone actually got me.

Welcome home. I look forward to seeing you there when I have completed my purpose here hopefully with such grace, love, and light, as you did.

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