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Archive for January, 2012

I had noticed this Mom a handful of times in my life. She was always smiling, and well put together. I always admired the look she put together while I rolled out in sweatpants. We had kids the same ages so we often stood in the same room for things, or waited on the same field. Our lives never crossed more than then this which puzzles me since I would have imagined it would, seeing as our kids are living such parallel lives in this sweet suburban town.

I know where she went the other day. I have been there. And with all the joy I have in my heart for that place, I still keep battling the question of why.

My husband is attending her wake this evening. What I hadn’t known when I saw her out and about is that she went to school with him, and graduated in his class. This women;The same age as my husband; Died.

Quickly I became more and more aware of the people she has touched in this town, and how much she will be missed. Even without ever saying a word to her, it saddened my heart so much.

The day she died I could not help but to catch my thinking. I wasn’t feeling great, and although it would be easy to slip into “I can’t wait til’ this day is over”, I kept thinking she fought to live for this day and didn’t win. I hugged my kids a little tighter that day while thinking about hers. How would they wrap their little minds around their Mom not coming home?

I am the first to utter things like “When it’s your time it’s your time”, and “I am not afraid to die”. Over all I am not, but not today. Not tomorrow. Not for a long time please Lord. When “your time” leaves two little kids Motherless from a heart attack at 40 yrs old, it just doesn’t make sense to me. I just can’t wrap my head around it. Not matter what wonderful sayings I think of, or even thinking about my own experience with Heaven. It just doesn’t sit right.

I know that God’s will is not always something we can understand on earth. I always try to seek the silver lining. However, it does not soften the blow when a young, healthy, fellow Mom of 2 youngsters, was just fine a few weeks ago, and now no longer here.

I ask all of you to please pray for her family and friends. That they seek solace in the arms of faith. I pray she sat in that Coliseum place, and felt the abundance of love I did. That after reviewing her life she understood why it was her time, and that she continues to feel the perfect euphoria that Heaven provides.

This is a sure reminder to live each day to its fullest. That we are all ticking time bombs set off the moment we are born. We don’t know when our time is up, so we better live our lives fully. Don’t wait to do something because you might feel better tomorrow. And next time you find yourself wishing the day away; think of this story. Think about the fact everyday there are people fighting to live the day you want to wish away. And every single day…. someone loses the fight.

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Judgement

Today I rejoined a group of women I once blanketed a judgement on not only because I am human with faults, but at the time, I was weak and vulnerable. Isn’t it always the way? The moments when we are casting stones we are doing so because something is stirring inside us. I recognize now that it was not their fault for my haste, but my own haste causing the worst kind of judgement: against faith.

I rejoined my local MOPS group today. For those of you that don’t know what that means, it is Mothers Of Preschoolers, which is a Christian faith-based group all over the United States. Our local one is huge and strong. In the past I often felt lost in it, and didn’t feel like my presence there mattered much. Looking back I realize this happened at my own doing of setting myself apart.

Before coming out with my experience religion was a hard word for me to swallow. Growing up being undefined, while carrying the load of feeling my own faith’s path on my own, sort of made me jaded and set a part from many God-loving people. I didn’t want to be labeled anything. I didn’t want to be preached to, or judged by what worked for me. However, in those efforts I judged others.

Really I think it was more envy than anything. Holding a secret like you died and came back to life all of your life is sort of a hard thing to do. The ease of just defining oneself as “Catholic” or “Baptist” is automatically accepted, and the world knows how to receive you. When you go around saying your are “spiritual” you’re deemed “New Age” or a “Heathen”. What bothered me in my soul was I was all of these things. My path in faith is a little of everything with a whole lot of God. And a detailed near-death experience that some believe is true, and some discount.

A year ago I had enough of people inviting me to their church ventures. I had enough of being in a room of fellow moms that 99% went to the same church and feeling like an outcast. And then after my truth set me free thanks to the BIO channel, something happened.

To truly believe and respect people’s paths one needs to be willing to embrace it. I don’t need to buy whatever someone is trying to sell me. I am now completely confident and free in my own path. In the middle of a well intended prayer I realized I cast judgement on other people’s faith. I was not the outcast; I was the one outcasting. When really all that matters is our paths may look different but we are all lovers and believers in God. It wasn’t very Christian of me to cast stones otherwise. Every time I did I lost a piece of my own faith, as this was a less than valuable quality in someone God centered.

The lesson was learned. Going back was a different experience this time because I was open to it. I was also well received. Nobody cared I wasn’t a member in that church. All they cared about was that I was there. That we all were from all of our separate paths, to do something that God rejoices in: being together without judgement in faith.

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God’s Will

The past few months I have prayed more than I had prayed in all the days of my life. I felt like I was at crossroads on what I should do with my life. All I knew was I wanted to serve God in any way I could, and so I focused on asking him this.

Every prayer I uttered included the words ” show me what you would like me to do. How I can best serve you. I will do whatever is your will”. And I meant it. Even if this included me going to the ends of the earth. I just wanted to do what I am destined to do.

See part of this prayer was my own ego. I wasn’t aware of it then but I was thinking these grand “what if’s”. I had received moving letters post the show, and thought maybe God wanted me to continue down the path of healing others. I concentrated more on what I thought He would like me to do, and less on what he actually wanted me to do.

While in this constant state of prayer, I had an emergency tonsillectomy that I declared being harder to recover from then a C-section. I said out loud to the universe that I would rather “have another c-section than go through a tonsillectomy again”.

The universe listened.

Around this time I declared I was done having kids. I was setting up all of these goals, and planning my future life all around my growing two kids and husband.

December rolled around and I decided I probably should go to see the doctor to assure I couldn’t get pregnant.

God is so funny.

Because this Christmas I got the biggest surprise of my life:

Baby #3. God’s Will and His exact answer to my prayer. An answer I once declared would never happen forcing me to realize it isn’t my call.

After shock, we found joy. In joy I find His light and love.

Just another reminder when you ask, you shall receive. However you might not get what you thought was the answer you wanted to hear, but instead your hearts desire which really is God’s will at best.

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New Years–New You?

Happy New Year!

Another year is here and the world is filled with aspirations of better behinds, and grander savings. The focus from 2011 into 2012 were filled with drunken people slurring “Happy New Year” and blowing on loud horns. Families gather at Chinese restaurants, and declare this is a “A New Year A New You”.

It is interesting to me to see how culture views this day. That the focus has shifted from what is most important to embrace about a new year. What if resolutions concentrated merely on faith? Or just being mindful of the energy we put out into the world or being thankful? What if all those people stuffed into gyms right now were at home meditating/praying about how they could perfect their being in God’s name? What if New Years Eve was more about the blessing to be alive and less about if AAA will pick you up if you are drunk?

I dream of life when a New Year is entered in unanimous silence. Not because the world is sleeping, but meditating/praying. How much power that would hold and how much difference can be made?

We are all connected. Not only to each other as humans, but to the swaying tree’s, and the crashing ocean. We share this existence. We also share in abusing it and healing it.

It is easy to catch yourself in a rut. To feel like snapping at your spouse, and irritated your child is to slow getting ready (yes I speak of experience of BOTH just today). The important part is to see you are doing it, to learn from it, and to seek out how you can be a better you in the arms of grace. This isn’t easy, and is the biggest challenge for even the strongest believers. However the key to being mindful is what opens the door to better connections into the world. It helps the healing side of existence instead of the abusing one. Every word we utter, every face we make, every time we say something negative about someone else–it flows into the universe and grows negativity.

My prayer and hope for this year is to be mindful more than I ever have. To seek the silver lining, to find the beauty in everyday life, and live in the arms of grace while providing them as well. My prayer for you is you do the same. Ask yourself that question: New Year-New You? And what the truly means for your soul. The more of us that do, the bigger we give back to our world, not only in 2012, but years to come.

May you be blessed in 2012.

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