“You are the absolute oldest soul I have ever known”, she said looking over at me while eating lettuce wraps at the Cheese Cake Factory. This wasn’t a normal Friday night that two high school girls, that have known each other since first grade, would have. She and I sat there discussing the meaning of life, faith, and what our purpose was. When she spoke those words to me, it was as if I was wholly seen for the first time, on how ancient my soul was. My body might have been seventeen, but my soul was older than most that were alive in the world.
Years later my friend from college looked at me and said,”You are beyond deep. You are like an abyss. In fact that is what I am going to call you”. She knew that for me to survive in this world I could not and would not function on surface material. I can be fun, carefree, wild even, but I always return to the best part of me that is always seeking the most knowing and truth out of any and all situations. I am constantly reflecting on: does this serve my greatest purpose? All people, places, and things, are often put on display for a magnifying, detail oriented, discovery of: Is this still valid for me and who I intend to become?
I am human sadly, more than I am my soul. Meaning, the human in me often holds onto things I KNOW are no longer for me out of the heart. My soul on the other hand, is always waiting for what the universe has in store for me next, like a child awaiting to open gifts on Christmas. I like to look at life as being equivalent to a giant puzzle we are seeking to master. We continue to seek, piece by piece, working toward the bigger picture. Often we are stuck on a particular piece. There are times certain things take up entire corners of the picture then suddenly disappear in the next. The human wants to see the big picture now before doing the work, and try to control the outcome. The soul knows the real work is the element of surprise and the unknowing with zero control. I often sit in the middle. I pray. I manifest. While I also lead with where and what God leads me too. Almost a sky dive into blind faith knowing ALWAYS the He has me.
I haven’t written here in a while because God put me on pause. He was calling to move me to this amazing, tropical, dream come true, place. He wanted me to settle in while also seeking Him in new people, places, and things, in this new space. He has lined things up for us almost effortlessly, in order for our human eyes to recognize this is way beyond our control.
While in this process, he has blessed me with moments that have set me free. One was a call from an administrator from my old school system. She originally was calling me regarding my new but now closed business, and hadn’t heard that I moved. When I told her, it opened up conversation on a variety of things such as why I left the school system, why I moved to Florida, and most importantly, being obedient to God. I was able to tell her things I observed in her as a God intended leader, and she was able to tell me why I left an impression. She also gave to me what I was seeking most from the ending of that job that I put the most of who I am into: permission to leave and closure. It reminded me that a huge part of my puzzle was this school system, but in this part of my glorious life picture, it was no longer needed to identify me. In fact, she reminded me, the only thing I need to be identified by was HIM.
I noticed the other day, when I was getting to know a new neighbor, that I often don’t know how to “sum up” who or what I am. Most humans get accolades for staying in the same job for decades, when in spirit, this makes my heart so sad. When I was leaving my last job I was telling a friend that I never stay that long (I had been there for 7 years). The friend said perhaps that isn’t something to be too proud or boastful about. To me its an accolade of the soul that doesn’t EVER settle. It is the “abyss” working at its best, magnifying details over asking my soul: “Is this still relevant? Is this still for me?” Kudos to the people who have lived lives doing the same thing for sixty years that takes tremendous motivation and determination. For me, I literally can not remain stagnant in something ever. For me, it is one of my very favorite qualities in who I am because it makes me a bit of a chameleon. Not a chameleon to blend in, but one to rediscover and change who I am. Those who know me best know I will never ever blend in. NOT EVER.
So what do I tell the new neighbor about what I do for living or who I am? Do I talk about the years I worked with teen gang members in drug rehab in Brooklyn, or homeless teens on the streets of Boston? Do I talk about going back for another masters degree to become a teacher, and teaching third grade in the Bronx? Do I talk about being a stay at home mom for seven years, or being a Mommy blogger when that was hot? Do I say I used to sell fair trade jewelry or that I sell skincare? Do I talk about being a school social worker for years, working harder than I have ever did anywhere, and walking away with severe post traumatic stress system? Or perhaps, do I share the day the Lord told me to open a healing business in Newtown, CT, and I did? Do I discuss my born giftings that were enhanced and found after learning reiki and Havening both in the name of Christ?
When thinking about this list, I realized my old soul that my high school friend acknowledged that day, was also old in this life too. I may be 43, but I have lived in one persons life, many lives. If you ask me what I love about myself the most it is how I love and how brave I am in becoming. I am always becoming.
Transformation is what brings the next piece of the puzzle. It is what makes a simple toddler puzzle become a limitless jigsaw one. In fact, at this point in the game, I believe I am a 4D jigsaw puzzle that may end up looking like Legoland by the time I am done recreating.
Why do I share this story with you? The deepest part of me wants you to know, you should not be able to sum up who you are in a sentence or two. It should take people months, if not years, to sum up your journey. There is great freedom on the other side of fear of “I am afraid to try”. When I died and came back after Jesus asked me “What have you done for your fellow man?”- I included myself. I serve others AND MYSELF, but most of all I SERVE HIM. I will never go back home with an unfinished story to my puzzle. Next time Jesus will look at it, smile, and beam with parental joy, and say “Well done”. It is my ultimate goal and joy to spread and share this purpose.
Let your life puzzle pieces be limitless. Let your soul live many lives in one life. Do not get distracted by the likes in the world that want to keep you afraid and stagnant. The world needs the next you. The next you can be the piece to my puzzle that my soul is waiting upon. This is how humanity works my friends. It’s not gender, cultural, language specific, but hundred precent soul depending on soul, to gather up the ultimate big picture of things.
What is your next puzzle piece?
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Is it me, or is anyone else feeling as if they are the children involved in the nasty divorce called “2020”? “Pick a side”, they scream! “Don’t you care about _______ (insert heartbreaking subject being used by either side to gain ones guilt or compassion to sway)?” “Why aren’t you afraid? or full of rage?””You don’t love this country enough!” “You are part of the problem if …..(fill in the blank with polarized judgment)”. “I can’t love you if you don’t think like I do.”
seekingup
Seeking Up 
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