Archive for September, 2019

Worthy Of It ALL

Gets a bad wrap for being such a vibrant gifting in faith.

I was walking the beach today- doing some of the hard work.
You see when you say “yes” to healing others in the name of the Lord – it means first He will call to heal you.
No stone left unturned.
When He seeks- you GIVE.
ALL of it – leaving nothing.

Recently – in agony – I gave him something so beautiful. Knowing – ones trust in faith comes in the moments you give so freely – even when it’s breaking you.
It comes with a promise from God – that He is more capable then we can ever imagine and more giving then our human hearts can endure.

Today God told me to pick up a broken shell.
I did and He spoke:
“you are so willing to give me the brokenness and the ugly. How often have I blessed you with relief and made right by these prayers”
Often Lord. Thank you.
I walk more down the beach. He tells me to pick up the beautiful shell- the one that shines and I used to call “mermaids finger nails” when I was a kid.
I did and He spoke:
“How often have you given me the beautiful things? How often have you thanked me for them? How willingly are you to give what you love most back to me and still sing my praises”
Not nearly enough Lord.
But today I do
Thank you.

Give him not only the ugly. Give him the beauty too. He is worthy of it ALL.


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The Slaying

There is this lie being told that when you do what God calls you to do, that it is nothing but ease and joy. People pray to be “woke” and for clear signs of what they are “meant to do”.

You know what happens when you are “woke”? Everything falls apart that once was.

Mainly, this happens for the sake of your own growth. Also because comfort zones – all of them. People. Places. Things. Will no longer serve you as they once did. Nor will you serve them.

You painfully pry your own hand that keeps holding onto the things you have cherished most. The things you held onto for dear life and promised to never let go of. God keeps calling for them. Eventually, you give.

For me it started with my job. I thought I loved it. There were aspects of it that I truly found joy in. My students finding joy, connection, or support from something I offered. The people I worked daily that saw my worth and loved me whole. However this “comfort zone” turned toxic to my soul. Far more then I could ever imagine while in it. Leaving that space was one of the hardest, yet most freeing decisions of my life. I thought – great Lord- I’m doing it! That had to be the hardest thing I have ever done!

Not a chance.

It started to infiltrate the most valuable things to me. The things I needed to shift, adjust, make sense of, what this is serving me. Do not get this wrong folks- when you open yourself up to this process, no stone goes unturned.

To fault I am someone that loves all in. All in can be suffocating, enmeshed, and co dependent. A space I grew up feeling safe and secure in. A space that was no longer serving my best – most healed- self.

And so I unravel. Piece by piece. One step in front of the other. Opening my prying hands to the Lord saying “ok you can have this”. I’m angry. I’m sad. Yet my faith has taught me that the plan is always greater then my human mind is capable.

Hour by hour I am not sure where I am going, what I am doing, or with who. So in order to focus on the promise of His goodness, I’m seeking joy daily.

Today it’s a latte by the river in Sandy Hook. Sun shining on me. My tears are flowing, but I am just taking the moment with every drop to thank God.

There is a calling on me greater then my emotions. Greater then my knowing. Greater then my brokenness.

So the seeking joy enables me to find the next step. Years ago there wouldn’t have been steps. It would be hiding in my bed unable to enter the world. Literally, numb and immobilized to seek joy .

This says so much about His timing.

Your biggest hearts desire should be living your best life. It should hold the desire to do whatever it takes. However, you must know, it is the hardest, most unpaved road of your life. There is not an expressway. Only the way you pave that includes all the mountain and the valleys, and the slaying of over grown limbs preventing you from movement.

The call is simple. It will break you to your knees. It will be uncomfortable. It will be exhausting. And just when you think you can’t make your next step … you do.

You will also grow immeasurably. The people you love most will look at you in wonder on who you have become. The spaces that once felt like home will feel to small. Suddenly, even in the pain, you will feel more you then you have ever been. You will feel FREE.

Freedom only delivers you when you are willing to let go and let God.

I trust His calling and timing. Even when I can’t imagine being able to bare the next slay on my unpaved path. With a trembling lip, and knocking knees, I keep saying “I’m ready. I’m brave. I got this”. The slaying is the loneliest part of the journey. It is also the place of becoming.

I haven’t a clue what the becoming looks like friends. It’s coming though. And the Lord is holding me we pried hands unwilling to give up on me. So I, release all the fear, anger, and sadness, in being held in his hand, and knowing His promise.

Just know, when you are slaying your over grown limbs on your path, unsure if you are brave enough to do so, you too are being held in His palm.


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18 years ago

18 years ago today, I was 24.

A blissful age of innocence, and hope. My entire life was sitting in front of me. By then I had acquired a masters degree in social work, and had worked in some hard settings. Yet, I had no idea the pit of dripping black tar hate, that could live in people’s hearts. I assumed all had a will to love each other.

It was cute of me to assume this. It was also beautiful, and protected.

It was my first day at a new job in Boston. A day after I had moved all weekend from New York City – and sent my then boyfriend off, to his new job down at the World Trade Center.

This day 18 years ago, stole all the beauty I thought the world possessed in their hearts. It made me stop and realize- oh- not everyone’s intentions are of light.

I could not wrap my head around the place I called home for years being a place of warfare. I had no idea terrorism could even happen on American soil. I was so naive with my stomach of privilege turned to worlds truths all in one day.

My then boyfriend survived. So did a few of my friends. However, so many- and I mean miles and miles of “have you seen” missing posters- many – never were seen again.

I had a heart staking truth this morning. Usually, on this day I pause and pray. I’m usually working and don’t have the time to sit and reflect on it. Today I wasn’t working, and today I let myself steep like a tea bag in hot water, the truth. I let it infiltrate my  being, and think of what it has taught me.

At 24, I thought I was the most adult an adult could be. Yet now looking back when 42, I realize it was really my second adolescence.

In 18 years I have: moved countless places, traveled, got married, had kids, survived a miscarriage, survived a very sick baby, was a stay at home mom, loved deeply, gained a better relationship with Jesus, met beautiful souls, became a teacher and got a second masters degree, got what I said was my dream job in my twenties as a school social worker, made difference in others lives, learned my own giftings, learn to be brave, survived a very sick child with PANS, lived through Lyme as a family, went through grief, wrote amazing words, and … found my truest self now at 42.

All of those lives lost never had the chance. They didn’t get to look upon almost two decades to count their blessings and changes.

My 24 year old self- although I love her- is unrecognizable when it comes to the growth and being of who I truly am.

So as I was driving to my new office in Newtown, CT past the half mast famous flag-I sobbed. I prayed. I said thank you to God. For here I was driving in another home of mine that delivered the second date in our countries history that stole another layer of innocence. How on earth would anyone, EVER- want to hurt first graders? My heart doesn’t understand that darkness. So what can one do? Deliver it to Jesus.

I don’t know why I was able to live almost two more decades more then those beautiful lives lost on 9/11. I don’t know why we happen to not chose the sandy hook home that would have delivered our  oldest to be in first grade that year. What I DO know is I serve a GREAT GOD that does! He covers us all.

Its important to slow down, reflect, and in the pain, bring it back to HIM.

I’m grateful for the lessons even the painful ones. They help me remember how far life have come in 18 years and how my heart still feels for that day all in one.

May I always love humans naive as the day before 9/11. Because light ALWAYS wins in the end.


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