No Resolve;Only honor.

This past year, 2021, has blessed me. It has given vision and perception I didn’t have the year before it.  Even in the moments it had scared me to the core with my own health scares, I rejoice in the blessing and the lesson it delivered. Although admittedly since moving down south to what often feels like an entirely different country, I have to say I have never grown as much as I have in the past two years. Removing myself from roots that only made me cling to what I knew, forced me to grow into something else. After scrolling through social media, I may be one of the only people that have paid credit to the years 2020 and 2021. They have truly laid ground work that I had never ventured on. They have also been the most confusing years of my life. I am not sure who I am here on this new ground or what I want to be, yet I am the most healthy (mentally) I have ever been. I have literally shed careers, characteristics, people, that no longer serve this version. I feel the most free of what was holding me back, then I have in decades. Even when I had months of worrying about my own fate, I sat in gratitude for the chances I had been giving. I even at one point told God in prayer, “if you decide to take me, I will going willing with a grateful heart.”   Starting new, with huge changes, has rewarded me in the deepest most rewarding ways. I have owned all of my past unhealthy habits and dissected them. I have been rewarded with optimism and resilience, that the best is yet to come.  However, there is still some major work to be done. 

Looking forward, I came to the realization that often I retreat in order to please others. For many reasons, I am having a hard time serving that to the world authentically when I am willingly abandoning myself. Finding my voice is still the hardest journey I have ever been on. Which is funny, I surround myself with brazen woman that often forget to filter before speaking their mind, never mind speaking it whole heartedly. I get caught up on the worry of what others feel over my own value. As we sit in such an angry, divided, cancel culture, world right now, suddenly owning my voice seems almost scarier then the idea of immediate brain surgery did. However, I must. Internally I have done the hard inner works. I have pulled all the roots poisoning me from my past, but not owning my voice, is making me ill.

Another lesson I plan to work on in 2022, is looking at the truth. I often like to perceive in my head an unrealistic world that feels so good and real. When often in reality it isn’t even close to my pretend one. I give to many chances to people that I should’ve let go at the third time they let me down, not wait until the hundredth. I can’t dilute others ugly in order for me to pretty it up in my head to hold them high. Sometimes, just like a job, a place, a perfume; you no longer fit like you used to and it shouldn’t be watered down and fluffed up. When the fragrance is foul, It just needs to be let go of.  

Regardless, if today was my last day on earth, I would die with zero regrets and a heart of gratitude. Even if I kept my mouth quiet more then I should have, or wore rose colored glasses when looking at people in my life that perhaps never looked good in rose.  On this last night of 2021 I regret not a thing. On this last night of 2021 I honor with love all the lessons God gave me to grow; even the ones that felt impossible. I resolve nothing. I honor and grow into everything. 

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Roots

Yesterday I was 44. Today the branch I sprouted a year ago to the moment  is now rooted in maturity and depth beneath my being. Aligning me in ways I deemed impossible, changing me in ways I hadn’t expected, grounding me into places in this earth I hadn’t known existed.The start of year 44 didn’t feel different when it began. It felt repetitive rooted in the same soil I had been content in for years. I forgot how lethal this could be. Especially for a soul that was made for progression not stagnancy. Then I started to get ill. I would wake most days in pain, with constant flu like symptoms, and barely able to stay awake. I was literally sleeping my life away- unable to work – unable to do most things. When I had hope that the diagnosis of Lupus would be the “cure” I needed, I quickly found out in a matter of months this would be the least of my worries. Suddenly I was losing my eye sight rapidly, my entire body inflamed and angry, what I thought was constant sinus pressure ended up being a pseudo tumor in my brain and my constant pain in the base of my neck – happened to be my brain hanging to low out of skull (chiari). My entire being felt as if it was being attacked physically. I gained more weight in a year then ever before – not because of my deep love of chocolate and baked goods – because lord knows I also went months with zero appetite- it was and is extreme inflammation. Unwavering inflammation that didn’t change for diets or medication – and has put me in sizes I have never seen before. For a good month – the team of doctors working on my case thought imminent brain surgery was the only option. I wrestled with this monster of an under taking for weeks. I never prayed quite like this before. I had zero control or choice – I was in pain and losing my eyesight. I truly didn’t know if I could survive brain surgery. I started to get my things in order. I started to surrender to the fact that I may die at 44. In the middle of this desperate time of surrender to the Lord, I heard a sermon on how even when we are in the furnace, the Lord is able to break chains to things not intended for us. Meaning eventhough I was handing over my life/death, He was not only working on that one thing – but ALL things that were toxic mentally, physically, spiritually, that needed to be cast out. I knew in a hotel in Disney World when I was worshipping that something shifted in me. The fear turned to peace – I was no longer begging for my life, I was admiring the fruit He grew on this limb 44 – and how it cried out to Him “do what you wish Lord”.

So I opened my eyes to hear 45. Able to SEE. ALIVE. Without immediate brain surgery. My body has a lot of work to be done. So many answers still waiting to be uncovered. BUT… I REJOICE in knowing 🌱🪴🌳the roots are recalibrated, the soil freshly overturned, and I am no long in stagnancy. I may be in a time of rest but I have a feeling year 45 is about to bring me an unopened fruitful gift that I have been preparing for. 

I am grateful the core of me shook all the dead leaves to the ground when I was scared and alone facing mortality. 

I am grateful that I was able, even when I was physically the most ill I have ever been, to spiritually grow leaps and bounds that the nectar tastes so sweet from the fruit of limbs grown from seed to solid. 

I am grateful I learned what true surrender is. 

I am grateful that in the end I always choose Him. 

I am 45 today because He planned it as such. 

Today I am 45 planting a new seed in the soil waiting for the shoot to grow out- and see what is to come of this year ahead? 

One thing is for sure: growth is no longer an option; it is an observation. He will change me 1,000 times over for what He has called me for. All is well with my soul. 

Hallelujah I’m alive for 45. 

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