It’s Not You, It’s Me

There is something unique about the way I love. It’s called full submersion. When I let you in, you never come out. No matter how hard you batter it’s walls, I just can’t seem to stop loving.  I am a master of the unconditional art. If there is anything in life I know how to do well, it’s how to make others feel good inside my heart, even at the cost of me. Or I should say- I did. Today I’m honoring something different.

The cost of me happens often. I find myself giving a self pep talk about “I warned you about this”  and “didn’t you learn this the last time”. Yet- I jump on the love horse and ride into the sunset again and again. My loyalty unwavering, my love unending. I am the type of friend everyone desires, because I desire someone like me.

The problem remains as humans we become comfortable with the knowing that someone like me will “take it” and always be there. The freedom to run amuck in my heart may sound glorious, and fun, but it’s one sided. As I am thinking- I have let another one run loose- how can I protect myself?

There I am again in a puddle of pain, wondering what I did and how I can fix it. Most times it has nothing to do with me. Yet I add it to the baggage I carry as if it was. Through life – I carry everybodies pain. I need to stop this starting today.

I can let go of a lot in life- people I love aren’t one of them. Today I’m learning they must be.

I get sent back to the starting line wondering – will I ever graduate from this high school mentality of “do you know who your true friends are?” I teach this in middle school social skills groups- and yet I still can’t answer this myself.

I am truly blessed with some amazing, stunningly  beautiful, supportive, loving souls in my life. They are the easy ones to name in the moment. On other days- some of those very same people are those I end up questioning because of some uncharacteristic behaviors that don’t sit right. We are human. We are flawed beings.

And I wonder …is the lesson in love that just as we personally change, so does the bond. That nothing is meant to stay stagnant or forever. This thought makes me lonely and sad. Yet I wonder what amazing people are to come in my life. For every area we make space – the universe delivers her gifts.

Today- when I am in the trenches of questioning the intentions of a dear friend (quite possibly former friend?)- I realize – I need to learn that even the heart needs boundaries. Also more importantly- that the endless love of no expectations in my own heart- first needs to be placed on my self. I badly wanted to question said “friend” and list the months of mental notes I have been taking. Then I stopped and realized – it’s just not worth honoring that space when she has not.

I feel like I’m writing a Taylor Swift song about a breakup. Really it isn’t to crucify anyone, accept acknowledging I need to learn how to love humans differently.

Once percieved as selfish – will now be worked on as filling myself for protection and honor first.

I can not afford another Uhaul of baggage to carry of “why did they leave”. What I can afford to do is reflect on “what have they taught me and how can I move on”.

Sometimes in life – there is no explanation of letting go. You just do. It hurts. It makes no sense. But it just IS.

The important factor is to learn the lessons that they were meant to gift you with. Along with finding your inner “bye Felicia” mentality because we can’t carry the weight of the world. It’s to heavy that we get lost under it.

The lesson I seem to always find out I’m learning is it’s not you it’s me. Change has a rippling affect and I’m all about personal growth. Some amazing souls ride the waves of change with me- while others choose to stay stagnant on their island repulsed by my deepth because it means they will have to change too. It is their right. How sad and lonely for them?!

Its ok it’s me. It means I’m moving on to something else greater.

Your self worth, growth, and being, may be to big for some- but not for the right ones.

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First Align, Then The Hustle

I remember the bewilderment of some of my family members and friends when I told them I was staying home to raise my kids. They couldn’t fathom why I would spend so many years collecting graduate degrees, and put it all aside to “just stay home”. I was drenched in student loans, and deferring them at the time. I remember one even stating, it was a waste for me doing “nothing”. Yet, how can taking the time to kiss my babies ever be a waste. You see, my graduate degrees never went away (or the loans), but my babies grew bigger and more unwilling to be cuddled.

I listened when they told me nobody would hire me after being seven years out of the working field. I let them second guess me, as I submerged myself in motherhood. I allowed myself to forget the woman I once was, to be completely present in all that mattered in the moment: being Mom.

It is true, I lost myself in my children during those years. I look at photos of myself, and I am completely unrecognizable to myself. However, it was worth losing, because my children were blessed with having all of me present. I was aligned with what I was assigned. I was assigned motherhood at the time.

Our society is so saturated in defining ourselves by our income, and material assets. My degrees I worked hard for, may explain parts of who I am, but they are no way near WHO I am. My paychecks may help keep us afloat, relieve financial stress, and provide things I want, it surely isn’t what makes my soul sing.

I keep hearing in this day and age of social media to “Hustle Harder”. Dare I say, it has been revealed to me in the past Summer that the truth is actually the opposite. It should be “Hustle less”. We should be less fixated on the number that will get us the bigger car or house, or the accolades that we hope to smear in the faces of the naysayers, and more on our hearts alignment. Tell me folks- how is money or accolades making you a better version of you? You may be able to afford draping yourself in prettier things, but how does it impact your heart? When you wake up to magically retire early in life, and suddenly have time, will you think “finally I have time to dig deep within”, or will you look back and think, I should have dug first, I wasted so much time? Who am I?

Just as I got lost in parenting for some time, it is easy to get lost in different areas of our lives. So many have so much to say about how, what, and why, we should live our lives, but the only correct answer is the one in your soul. Since this hefty lesson, I learned I need to align myself with the power of saying No, and the safety of boundaries. Both are a work in progress, but so freeing when I find myself executing them. As a people pleaser, they are an extremely difficult task for me to acheive. However, before life sucks me dry with the do it nows, I breathe, and listen to my highest self.

Align first. THEN hustle.

If hustling is a product of your alignment, BRAVO. If you think hustling will grant you alignment, you couldn’t have it more backwards my friend.

You will never get this moment back. Not ever.

Ask yourself: What makes me unique and special? How do I know something is worthy of my time and space? What can I do to serve the universe that fills my soul? Who can I count on the most? How can I live my best life minus of money/accolades?WHO AM I? AND WHAT DO I NEED?(NOT WANT)

If I decided tomorrow that being a barista at Starbucks at 41, is where my soul sang loudest, it is only MY business in deciding that for myself. Many would still mention my graduate degrees and “being a waste”, but the best version of me is ever-changing, as it is for you too. We are not made to stay stagnant in anything, not jobs, not spaces, not relationships, no people, NOTHING! Evolvement isn’t about money, and materials, its about soul. We are made to grow and move. Sometimes that is with others, sometimes it is not. Allowing the freedom of growth to happen in any way it is meant, is the deepest, soul filled alignment, one could ever imagine.

I have no regrets losing myself in motherhood for seven years. I have no regrets taking a job that was excited to hire me, even after being out of the field for years. I have no regrets learning a population of students I never served before because it opened unopened gifts inside me, I never knew existed. I have no regrets allowing myself time to self reflect, adjust, and let go of the people, places, and things, that no longer serve my highest good.

I have no regrets choosing my soul first.

Align first. Then hustle. The rest will fall into place.

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