There is this lie being told that when you do what God calls you to do, that it is nothing but ease and joy. People pray to be “woke” and for clear signs of what they are “meant to do”.
You know what happens when you are “woke”? Everything falls apart that once was.
Mainly, this happens for the sake of your own growth. Also because comfort zones – all of them. People. Places. Things. Will no longer serve you as they once did. Nor will you serve them.
You painfully pry your own hand that keeps holding onto the things you have cherished most. The things you held onto for dear life and promised to never let go of. God keeps calling for them. Eventually, you give.
For me it started with my job. I thought I loved it. There were aspects of it that I truly found joy in. My students finding joy, connection, or support from something I offered. The people I worked daily that saw my worth and loved me whole. However this “comfort zone” turned toxic to my soul. Far more then I could ever imagine while in it. Leaving that space was one of the hardest, yet most freeing decisions of my life. I thought – great Lord- I’m doing it! That had to be the hardest thing I have ever done!
Not a chance.
It started to infiltrate the most valuable things to me. The things I needed to shift, adjust, make sense of, what this is serving me. Do not get this wrong folks- when you open yourself up to this process, no stone goes unturned.
To fault I am someone that loves all in. All in can be suffocating, enmeshed, and co dependent. A space I grew up feeling safe and secure in. A space that was no longer serving my best – most healed- self.
And so I unravel. Piece by piece. One step in front of the other. Opening my prying hands to the Lord saying “ok you can have this”. I’m angry. I’m sad. Yet my faith has taught me that the plan is always greater then my human mind is capable.
Hour by hour I am not sure where I am going, what I am doing, or with who. So in order to focus on the promise of His goodness, I’m seeking joy daily.
Today it’s a latte by the river in Sandy Hook. Sun shining on me. My tears are flowing, but I am just taking the moment with every drop to thank God.
There is a calling on me greater then my emotions. Greater then my knowing. Greater then my brokenness.
So the seeking joy enables me to find the next step. Years ago there wouldn’t have been steps. It would be hiding in my bed unable to enter the world. Literally, numb and immobilized to seek joy .
This says so much about His timing.
Your biggest hearts desire should be living your best life. It should hold the desire to do whatever it takes. However, you must know, it is the hardest, most unpaved road of your life. There is not an expressway. Only the way you pave that includes all the mountain and the valleys, and the slaying of over grown limbs preventing you from movement.
The call is simple. It will break you to your knees. It will be uncomfortable. It will be exhausting. And just when you think you can’t make your next step … you do.
You will also grow immeasurably. The people you love most will look at you in wonder on who you have become. The spaces that once felt like home will feel to small. Suddenly, even in the pain, you will feel more you then you have ever been. You will feel FREE.
Freedom only delivers you when you are willing to let go and let God.
I trust His calling and timing. Even when I can’t imagine being able to bare the next slay on my unpaved path. With a trembling lip, and knocking knees, I keep saying “I’m ready. I’m brave. I got this”. The slaying is the loneliest part of the journey. It is also the place of becoming.
I haven’t a clue what the becoming looks like friends. It’s coming though. And the Lord is holding me we pried hands unwilling to give up on me. So I, release all the fear, anger, and sadness, in being held in his hand, and knowing His promise.
Just know, when you are slaying your over grown limbs on your path, unsure if you are brave enough to do so, you too are being held in His palm.
seekingup
Seeking Up 
Leave a Reply