Roots

Yesterday I was 44. Today the branch I sprouted a year ago to the moment  is now rooted in maturity and depth beneath my being. Aligning me in ways I deemed impossible, changing me in ways I hadn’t expected, grounding me into places in this earth I hadn’t known existed.The start of year 44 didn’t feel different when it began. It felt repetitive rooted in the same soil I had been content in for years. I forgot how lethal this could be. Especially for a soul that was made for progression not stagnancy. Then I started to get ill. I would wake most days in pain, with constant flu like symptoms, and barely able to stay awake. I was literally sleeping my life away- unable to work – unable to do most things. When I had hope that the diagnosis of Lupus would be the “cure” I needed, I quickly found out in a matter of months this would be the least of my worries. Suddenly I was losing my eye sight rapidly, my entire body inflamed and angry, what I thought was constant sinus pressure ended up being a pseudo tumor in my brain and my constant pain in the base of my neck – happened to be my brain hanging to low out of skull (chiari). My entire being felt as if it was being attacked physically. I gained more weight in a year then ever before – not because of my deep love of chocolate and baked goods – because lord knows I also went months with zero appetite- it was and is extreme inflammation. Unwavering inflammation that didn’t change for diets or medication – and has put me in sizes I have never seen before. For a good month – the team of doctors working on my case thought imminent brain surgery was the only option. I wrestled with this monster of an under taking for weeks. I never prayed quite like this before. I had zero control or choice – I was in pain and losing my eyesight. I truly didn’t know if I could survive brain surgery. I started to get my things in order. I started to surrender to the fact that I may die at 44. In the middle of this desperate time of surrender to the Lord, I heard a sermon on how even when we are in the furnace, the Lord is able to break chains to things not intended for us. Meaning eventhough I was handing over my life/death, He was not only working on that one thing – but ALL things that were toxic mentally, physically, spiritually, that needed to be cast out. I knew in a hotel in Disney World when I was worshipping that something shifted in me. The fear turned to peace – I was no longer begging for my life, I was admiring the fruit He grew on this limb 44 – and how it cried out to Him “do what you wish Lord”.

So I opened my eyes to hear 45. Able to SEE. ALIVE. Without immediate brain surgery. My body has a lot of work to be done. So many answers still waiting to be uncovered. BUT… I REJOICE in knowing 🌱🪴🌳the roots are recalibrated, the soil freshly overturned, and I am no long in stagnancy. I may be in a time of rest but I have a feeling year 45 is about to bring me an unopened fruitful gift that I have been preparing for. 

I am grateful the core of me shook all the dead leaves to the ground when I was scared and alone facing mortality. 

I am grateful that I was able, even when I was physically the most ill I have ever been, to spiritually grow leaps and bounds that the nectar tastes so sweet from the fruit of limbs grown from seed to solid. 

I am grateful I learned what true surrender is. 

I am grateful that in the end I always choose Him. 

I am 45 today because He planned it as such. 

Today I am 45 planting a new seed in the soil waiting for the shoot to grow out- and see what is to come of this year ahead? 

One thing is for sure: growth is no longer an option; it is an observation. He will change me 1,000 times over for what He has called me for. All is well with my soul. 

Hallelujah I’m alive for 45. 

Advertisement