It’s been nearly twenty years that I have taught the world how to better honor themselves. I’m pretty great at it. Beyond all the collegiate years in social work, I just naturally have a knack for teaching others how to unapologetically love themselves.
There has been this one client of mine that has been the most multifaceted and hard to make sense of. This lovely girl that grew up with the widest, deepest brown eyes that were filled to the brim with hope. All she dared to dream of was making a difference. She was full of promise. Pieces of her had been broken off early on in her life. She stayed in silence hoping nobody would notice because the worlds happiness mattered more than her own. Instead she carried the holes praying someone would fill them with heaps of love so she no longer missed the stolen pieces she was born with.
She was my very first client. The first soul I was responsible to teach about self-care, the first to tell her she had a voice, the first to tell her she mattered and was enough. I however, perfected the art of silencing her. Her bravery would not be tolerated in the world she had created. She needed to know she was last on the list. Everyone mattered before her. Your place was their happiness before your peace.
I lived like this for 41 years on this planet. I worked towards self-help but never committed to doing the hard work. Until one day I sat in a retreat this fall and allowed myself to start telling my truth. The moment I howled it out, it started to trickle out, then the flood gates had opened and waterfalls of truth began to dispel.
In three months I have done more soul aching, blood drenching, heart yearning work on myself then I have done in my life. I peeled back layers I hushed. I exposed parts of me that hadn’t seen the light of day since I had pigtails and doll babies. I accepted my way was no longer working for me, and in order to be whole, I needed to seek out healthier discoveries for living life.
There is nothing I love more than love. I like to get lost in people – emeshment that I can’t tell where I begin and they end. This was me often in all types of relationships with people. I wanted to hold them so close to me, that I would fit them into my missing holes of my soul and call them mine. Often this was gloriously euphoric, often lending itself to be drastically heartbreaking. I was always too much for some, and not enough for others. They would always leave. I was left with more holes.
For two decades I have taught the importance of boundaries. When in my reality, boundaries was a dirty four letter word that made me shudder. It’s a new day because I am dusting them off and making them holy.
Since I have recognized unhealthy, I can no longer see it with the same eyes. This is so damn hard because my unhealthy ways of living is what I know. It’s like a warm blanket I always had wrapped around me, stripped away making me bare in the dead of winter. My soul yelling “FIND SOMETHING ELSE AIMEE- this blanket wasn’t meant for you. Make a new one”.
But I loved the blanket. I LOVED it. Ragged, broken, and pulled, it did what it could to keep me safe and warm.
While I’m exposed on the path of discovery, I slowly knit the truth with healthy ways. It’s softer fabric then my last blanket, but much stronger. There is no room to penetrate holes in it. I will be wrapped in the most glorious blanket of all. But first the pain.
I know. I know. Sweet girl with the promising brown eyes, the pain sucks. Nobody wants the pain. Nobody wants to be exposed in the dead of winter. But there you are brave one. Holding your own. Your back bone strong, your chin up, and your hope still alive. What’s around the corner from pain is the blanket of your life.
I may know how to love the world. But world, I really suck at loving me. I am learning this. Learning that, I am the most important person on this planet I need to care for. That I, through my pain and healing, am the only one who can fill the holes I have carried and covered.
So here I am. Tomorrow 42. The most beautiful parts of me buried decades beneath my service aching to come out. And world …. I’m about to summon them. I haven’t forgotten the girl with the promise in her deep brown eyes, I just forgot how to love her.
And I do. I love her so damn much I’m marching into the fire for her release. She and I are one and fireproof. This is for you brown eyed girl, I’m no longer hushing you.
seekingup
Seeking Up 
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