Little Blessed One

In the deepest part of me I thought I knew the answer to my prayer. The prayer that I begged God to reveal what I am meant to do. “What now?” I would plead. I thought I had the answer but it was just what I wanted to hear. Sometimes when you are pleading for something to happen the fact that it isn’t happening is just that– the answer. That day I had not even imagined myself a mother of three. I had not even contemplated all the different ways He could have answered. 

He answered alright:

 

Bennett Gardiner Dos Santos was born August 16, 2012. He was granted a very strong spiritual name because he was literally an answer to my prayer. My prayer that didn’t contain the words “please God give me a baby” –but more of the words, “Lord reveal to me what you want me to be doing with my life”. When I realized I was pregnant, and the shock wore off, I realized this was absolutely God intended. This meant I must find a name that fit that! 

My oldest (who is 6 yr old) came home and told me he wanted to name his brother Benny one day. I brushed it off thinking it wasn’t going to happen. I fell upon the name Bennett and then saw the meaning: Little blessed one. Could this not be more fitting? His middle name comes from my grandfather. Bennett was supposed to be born the on 20th which is the anniversary of my grandfathers passing. Gardiner was his middle name, and I thought it would be fitting to give it to “Baby Benny”. And of course, our last name meaning “Two Saints”. Now that is a whole lotta spiritual love nestled in a name don’t you think?

 There is little in life to compare to the vast beauty of when a baby takes his first breath into this world. While one the operating table I could not stop crying when he came. I could not help but thank God. They put him on me and as I looked into this new life’s eyes I knew this was God speaking to me directly. Bennett left the room with his Dad and my surgery continued. It was a very difficult one. One that I kept praying I would survive. I know this sounds sort of dramatic, but the truth is I was scared. I was scared that I would be leaving that baby behind and never get to relish in his time here. The surgery cost me ending the possibility to ever have life in my body again. I was ok with this because it meant for me I was safe. Having another baby may have literally killed me after this one. Knowing this I promised myself to drink this last baby in. And to think I never even entertained the idea I would be a Mom of 3!

On one of my first nights home I was laying in bed holding Bennett. I could not believe he is was here. For 9 months I carried him but I sort of felt like I was in a haze of denial. Now he was reality. I was feeling overwhelmed and knew I had plenty of trial and errors coming my way. However, I was thankful. So very very thankful. I thanked God for his life. For answering my prayer not in the way I intended but what was meant. He is forever my “little blessing”.

Food for thought: remember prayer isn’t like a list to Santa. Just because you try to ask for something  specific doesn’t mean you are deemed to get it. Prayer is more about guidance and less about the “gimmes”. It is having faith He knows what you need and will you lead you there. You can dream big—you can make things happen, but on His time not yours! Trust that whatever comes your way there is a reason designed very purposely just for you. Trust you are enough to take it. 

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