Lately I have been feeling as if I am circling my greatest spiritual potential. I know I can be, give, and offer more, and yet somehow I am holding myself back. Recently I was talking with a dear friend of mine that is also deeply spiritual and gets me. Talking with her about God has ease to it that I haven’t found in any other. She happens to be a devoed Catholic, Bennett’s soon to be God Mother, and very, very open to concepts that religion doesn’t always lend itself to support. I love this about her. She reserves a space within to be open. We all should. While answering and supporting me when I need some religion guidance.
One thing I discussed with her was why others have found the need in the recent years to try to convert me to something. Why on earth would another human being want to pigeon-hole another? My guess is out of fear. Maybe the way I live spiritually free while attending a religion when I want bothers some. Maybe they think I am going to hell, or that I am not right for speaking of my experience and think I am lying. Maybe, just maybe, they truly believe their way is the only way to God, and are coming from a good place. Regardless, I have been feeling like time and time again I am being judged, and disrespected about my relationship with God. I am not sure why this is happening over and over again in my life, but I am guessing it is a lesson that I have yet to fully learn. Maybe it is about strength, faith, or being open, or maybe it is about freeing those that live with pointed fingers of judgement. I am not sure. What I am sure of is this. I have to check my ego every time I am in this type of situation. When someone tries to tell me they know God better than I do, I so badly want to say things like “I don’t need a religion to tell me about Heaven. I have been there”. However, I refuse to get in a pissing match about God. God disputes are off the table for me. I do not know God better than you, nor do you then I. He is in each one of us equally. It is just how we communicate with him, and on what level, that differs. I get that my way may seem absurd to others. Yes I am sending my kid to CCD, and yes I ask them if they WANT to go to church each week because what I do believe about religion is that the basics of Christianity should be taught, and that religion should be ones free will even when a child. Thankfully, in this great country I have the right to offer that to my kids.
So here I am. Circling.
Here is what has happened most recently that I have seen God and my connection with Him in.
*Cardinals are my sign for pregnancy. Usually this means I, or someone close to me is carrying life or will be soon. I have seen them every single time in the past 6 years. Recently I have seen them steadily for 5 days. yesterday being the most poignant when there was one on my door step when I arrived home. Nobody has relieved news to me, and I am waiting with bated breath because this sign is a constant in my life.
*Last year, as you may recall, I had a major God talk at a local park. The sun was glistening on the water as I meditated and asked God to show me where to go from here. The show had just aired, I was getting e-mails, and I was trying to help while being humble. I got a little to big for my britches for a moment there. My deliverance slowly started to become more about me and less about God and it didn’t feel right within my soul. So I asked him directly. What do you want from me? Where shall I go in my journey? I also saw a cardinal that day in that park. I should have noticed the meaning. Since a month later, my prayer answered with a positive pregnancy test! God’s answer was less about my near death experience, and more about giving life. Just today I returned to the same spot to pray about the circling and sending light to a little boy trying to beat cancer at St Judes. I prayed hard. I felt uplifted. As I left I noticed something I hadn’t put together about last years prayer the name of the park is Bennett! The same name I named my son that God blessed me with. The name that means little blessed one. Amazing.
*While sitting in the Starbucks drive thru I had an odd feeling that I knew the person in front of me. The name that popped into my head was someone I haven’t seen in months, don’t know all that well, have no idea what car she drives, and lives in a town away. I messaged her through Facebook to ask if she was at Starbucks. Of course it was her. I freaked her out, and myself. She hasn’t a clue about my back story over here, and I am sure she thinks I am a stalker
*Often when I am sleeping in my room alone I feel like I am being stared at by a mob. Recently I felt someone caressing my head. I woke up nobody was there, but I felt the weight of a hand still stroking me. I did not freak out. I just knew it was a visit from my grandfather calming me down over the stress of a new baby. A new baby that holds my grandfathers middle name.
Coincidences are not what I would call these. All things happen for a reason and I plan to work it out. My message here is we are all learning. We all have the room to become closer to God. Most importantly we all have our own way in doing so. Before you pass judgment upon another’s way of faith or even someone who doesn’t believe at all, think about what that means. God wants you to accept others, not cast stones, and love. Open your heart up to others not on your path and it will help you gain a perspective you haven’t seen before. Expect more of yourself rather of others. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is all-knowing. We are all in it together.
I remember my favorite part of the pledge of allegiance was: One Nation Under God. I get it stirs controversy, but to me my mantra has always been–we are one world under God. We shall embrace each other more, and judge each other less.
While I circle, can we just walk as one?